Wife Mid-Crisis

Danger at Discount Dan's

God opposes my pride by allowing humiliations into my life almost daily. Many I do not even bring upon myself. Some just fall upon me, or roll right up behind and blow an air horn.

For example: Hot French Bread.

If you have known me long, you know that I periodically blitz through my favorite blue collar discount retailer, an iconic store containing acres of bargains and a few blown gaskets.

Last week I decided to peruse the aisles of said store in peace, as the man had our children at a Chinese buffet. As I was quietly attempting to choose new pajamas, an older man rolled up behind me on a little girl's purple bicycle, beeped a loud clown horn, and hollered--I kid you not--"Hot French bread!"

You may be assured that I jumped out of my skin. Haven given birth to two chubby babies, I even peed on myself a little bit.

This guy proceeded to roll all around Discount Dan's beeping his horn at folks and shouting about "hot french bread!" By the time I got to check-out, I had a massive headache.

You know that I do not seek out crazies. They find me.

So as Bouncer Lady was checking my purchase receipt against bagged items in the cart, I mentioned that the horn, bike, and pepaw had to go; unless Pepaw were unhinged, in which case grace could be extended to a store willing to hire the challenged.

Bouncer Lady blinked at me and said, "That's the assistant store manager. He just like to have some fun."

I suggested that he lock himself in his office and have fun alone, because the air horn, bike, and bread-shouting were obnoxious.

Bouncer Lady primly recited a toll-free number, which I could use to report my lack of appreciation for "the bike experience."

Does anyone have the toll-free number for the Nut Magnet Help Line? Because that's what I really need.

Happy mall shopping, and stay away from Discount Dan's.