Our Creative Director keeps blasting emails about our needing to post anecdotes that encourage Christian women. I dunno. We may need to switch genres to "things that frighten Christian women." That's more of our niche.
Many disturbing things happened today. It's a lot to process. Ponder this:
1. Early this morning Big Viv and I embarked upon a fitness regime with our new personal trainer, Aaron Who Does Not Smile. I can no longer navigate stairs, and will have to sleep on the downstairs sofa. During this odd little number called "the pec fly" we discovered that Aaron--while he does not smile much--is nonetheless capable of barking out a laugh.
2. At lunch, well-deserved after this morning's trauma, Viv's cousin David announced that he is planning a video blog, which he will film while sitting on the toilet. The camera will face David, straight on, as he sits and ponders life aloud.
Can you even believe it? (Not a Christian project BTW.)
3. Vivian's husband, driving his work van, happened to see us in my Honda on Clement and chased us down the street honking his horn and waving a fistful of cash. Evidently it was pay day. Although Big Viv yowled about needing the money for her hair appointment, I was not about to pull over for any man waving a fistful of greenbacks while honking the horn at us. (We dusted him. BV not currently speaking to me, since her roots are still showing.)
So as far as posting something spiritual, I don't know? "Hangeth thou in there" works well for me.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Danger at Discount Dan's
God opposes my pride by allowing humiliations into my life almost daily. Many I do not even bring upon myself. Some just fall upon me, or roll right up behind and blow an air horn.
For example: Hot French Bread.
If you have known me long, you know that I periodically blitz through my favorite blue collar discount retailer, an iconic store containing acres of bargains and a few blown gaskets.
Last week I decided to peruse the aisles of said store in peace, as the man had our children at a Chinese buffet. As I was quietly attempting to choose new pajamas, an older man rolled up behind me on a little girl's purple bicycle, beeped a loud clown horn, and hollered--I kid you not--"Hot French bread!"
You may be assured that I jumped out of my skin. Haven given birth to two chubby babies, I even peed on myself a little bit.
This guy proceeded to roll all around Discount Dan's beeping his horn at folks and shouting about "hot french bread!" By the time I got to check-out, I had a massive headache.
You know that I do not seek out crazies. They find me.
So as Bouncer Lady was checking my purchase receipt against bagged items in the cart, I mentioned that the horn, bike, and pepaw had to go; unless Pepaw were unhinged, in which case grace could be extended to a store willing to hire the challenged.
Bouncer Lady blinked at me and said, "That's the assistant store manager. He just like to have some fun."
I suggested that he lock himself in his office and have fun alone, because the air horn, bike, and bread-shouting were obnoxious.
Bouncer Lady primly recited a toll-free number, which I could use to report my lack of appreciation for "the bike experience."
Does anyone have the toll-free number for the Nut Magnet Help Line? Because that's what I really need.
Happy mall shopping, and stay away from Discount Dan's.
God opposes my pride by allowing humiliations into my life almost daily. Many I do not even bring upon myself. Some just fall upon me, or roll right up behind and blow an air horn.
For example: Hot French Bread.
If you have known me long, you know that I periodically blitz through my favorite blue collar discount retailer, an iconic store containing acres of bargains and a few blown gaskets.
Last week I decided to peruse the aisles of said store in peace, as the man had our children at a Chinese buffet. As I was quietly attempting to choose new pajamas, an older man rolled up behind me on a little girl's purple bicycle, beeped a loud clown horn, and hollered--I kid you not--"Hot French bread!"
You may be assured that I jumped out of my skin. Haven given birth to two chubby babies, I even peed on myself a little bit.
This guy proceeded to roll all around Discount Dan's beeping his horn at folks and shouting about "hot french bread!" By the time I got to check-out, I had a massive headache.
You know that I do not seek out crazies. They find me.
So as Bouncer Lady was checking my purchase receipt against bagged items in the cart, I mentioned that the horn, bike, and pepaw had to go; unless Pepaw were unhinged, in which case grace could be extended to a store willing to hire the challenged.
Bouncer Lady blinked at me and said, "That's the assistant store manager. He just like to have some fun."
I suggested that he lock himself in his office and have fun alone, because the air horn, bike, and bread-shouting were obnoxious.
Bouncer Lady primly recited a toll-free number, which I could use to report my lack of appreciation for "the bike experience."
Does anyone have the toll-free number for the Nut Magnet Help Line? Because that's what I really need.
Happy mall shopping, and stay away from Discount Dan's.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Vivian Carter's Blog
Shortly before being sent away for my “vacation,” I met with Greg the Graphics Man (and his wife Sue, a stenographer) to discuss branding my assorted entrepreneurial ventures.
On this particular day my focus was creating a Christian woman’s encouragement blog. I say this so you will know that I mean well. Sometimes, however, meaning well simply does not cut it. Example: the latest confab with Graphics Greg.
Graphics Greg has a brilliant mind, an efficient wife, and he navigates social media the way a teen navigates texting. I, on the other hand, tend to bumble. As I did this particular day, in a free Wifi coffee house near Greg’s home.
After reviewing my brand’s focus group results, Greg says to me (in an urgent tone), “To get where you want to go in media, you must immediately jump on top of bing, blip, and jason. Do you Digg?”
Sue took notes in her steno pad. I watched her write, “Have Viv do bing, blip, and jason.”
I go, “Yeah, Greg, I dig, but um, I don’t play that anymore.”
Greg gave palms up and a frowny face. His brain moves quickly, and he likes to make progress.
A quick glance around the coffee house revealed no eavesdroppers, so I leaned forward (which made Sue retract, interestingly).
I said, “Greg, something happened recently and I became this thing called an Evangelical. I don’t actually do people anymore. Let alone jump on top of them. God is not really down with that.”
Silence from the Graphics People.
Knowing I had done it again, but unsure of how, I stammered on. “Plus, Greg, I don’t actually know Bing, Blip, or Jason, and "Blip" sounds like he could potentially be a midget, and there’s an issue there.” I paused, then said, “For later.”
Greg’s face took on what can only be described as a hostile tone. No words, just a very severe look in his eyes and a flat-lined, mashed together mouth. You know the vibe.
He and Sue exchanged looks. She shrugged. Greg bowed his head and prayed.
The prayer went something like this: “Lord Jesus, I know you brought Vivian into our lives to shepherd as she finds her way, but today is particularly difficult for me. God help me. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”
My eyes welled with tears. Sue began to pack up their laptop, matrices, and steno pad. Greg removed a 3 x 5 lined index card from his shirt pocket and wrote firmly upon it in black Sharpie.
He left the index card on the table, and commanded, “After your vacation, call me.”
Through a fine haze of tears I read the index card. It said simply:
Jason.tv
On this particular day my focus was creating a Christian woman’s encouragement blog. I say this so you will know that I mean well. Sometimes, however, meaning well simply does not cut it. Example: the latest confab with Graphics Greg.
Graphics Greg has a brilliant mind, an efficient wife, and he navigates social media the way a teen navigates texting. I, on the other hand, tend to bumble. As I did this particular day, in a free Wifi coffee house near Greg’s home.
After reviewing my brand’s focus group results, Greg says to me (in an urgent tone), “To get where you want to go in media, you must immediately jump on top of bing, blip, and jason. Do you Digg?”
Sue took notes in her steno pad. I watched her write, “Have Viv do bing, blip, and jason.”
I go, “Yeah, Greg, I dig, but um, I don’t play that anymore.”
Greg gave palms up and a frowny face. His brain moves quickly, and he likes to make progress.
A quick glance around the coffee house revealed no eavesdroppers, so I leaned forward (which made Sue retract, interestingly).
I said, “Greg, something happened recently and I became this thing called an Evangelical. I don’t actually do people anymore. Let alone jump on top of them. God is not really down with that.”
Silence from the Graphics People.
Knowing I had done it again, but unsure of how, I stammered on. “Plus, Greg, I don’t actually know Bing, Blip, or Jason, and "Blip" sounds like he could potentially be a midget, and there’s an issue there.” I paused, then said, “For later.”
Greg’s face took on what can only be described as a hostile tone. No words, just a very severe look in his eyes and a flat-lined, mashed together mouth. You know the vibe.
He and Sue exchanged looks. She shrugged. Greg bowed his head and prayed.
The prayer went something like this: “Lord Jesus, I know you brought Vivian into our lives to shepherd as she finds her way, but today is particularly difficult for me. God help me. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”
My eyes welled with tears. Sue began to pack up their laptop, matrices, and steno pad. Greg removed a 3 x 5 lined index card from his shirt pocket and wrote firmly upon it in black Sharpie.
He left the index card on the table, and commanded, “After your vacation, call me.”
Through a fine haze of tears I read the index card. It said simply:
Jason.tv
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