A Word from the Incredulous

Dear Cafe Clientele,

He who must be obeyed will not be home for dinner, as he has arranged with his mischief buddy (not my brother, this time), to take an extended tour of the local wildlife preserve's hiking trails--on a Segway!

On a Segway, people. Have you seen the movie "Mall Cop"? I'm saying.

He who must be obeyed has committed this crime against sanity before, with me in tow. Explaining that he had come up with a great Love Dare date, he surprised me with a hiking trail Segway tour, which lasted four and one half hours, and which resulted in my turning prematurely gray.

Nonetheless, I stayed upright and intact the whole tour, much to the chagrin of our park ranger guide. The park ranger, whose name rhymes with Kevin, took pictures of me clutching the handle bar white-faced, and who admitted, after the tour was concluded, that he and his fellows at the ranger station had bet money I would bust it on "Middle-Aged Housewife Pass"--which is their nickname for a curved, steep, rocky gully through which one is forced to maneuver at full throttle.

That said, he who is toting his equally logic challenged buddy out to the nature preserve for a second attempt at self-mutilation and gross facial disfigurement.

I'll keep you posted.

Have a fun, safe day wherever you are, and on the off chance you are on the same tour with he who, tell Kevin to send me some pictures.

Much love,
Vivian Beauchamp

I think I’m in love with Rep. Alcee Hastings from Florida, based upon the following two minute clip of his speech about the hate crimes bill.

I would LOVE to have brunch with this dude. If you need to laugh till you cry, watch the first 2 minutes. God bless America is all I can say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN1yl7OQHyY

EDIT to add this disclaimer:

Due to an outraged email from a family member, I wanted to make clear that Alcee Hastings is a Democrat. To the offended liberal contingent, Alcee is one of yours, people!

Plus, I know nothing about the man—being amazingly and intentionally uninformed—and am basing my awestruck reverence for him strictly upon the rhetorical flourish with which he reeled off a list of sexual fetishes.

Imagine what he could do with Shakespeare.

To all critics of both Alcee and myself I simply say: Toucherism!


Respectfully submitted,
Vivian Carter