Dear Cafe Clientele,
He who must be obeyed will not be home for dinner, as he has arranged with his mischief buddy (not my brother, this time), to take an extended tour of the local wildlife preserve's hiking trails--on a Segway!
On a Segway, people. Have you seen the movie "Mall Cop"? I'm saying.
He who must be obeyed has committed this crime against sanity before, with me in tow. Explaining that he had come up with a great Love Dare date, he surprised me with a hiking trail Segway tour, which lasted four and one half hours, and which resulted in my turning prematurely gray.
Nonetheless, I stayed upright and intact the whole tour, much to the chagrin of our park ranger guide. The park ranger, whose name rhymes with Kevin, took pictures of me clutching the handle bar white-faced, and who admitted, after the tour was concluded, that he and his fellows at the ranger station had bet money I would bust it on "Middle-Aged Housewife Pass"--which is their nickname for a curved, steep, rocky gully through which one is forced to maneuver at full throttle.
That said, he who is toting his equally logic challenged buddy out to the nature preserve for a second attempt at self-mutilation and gross facial disfigurement.
I'll keep you posted.
Have a fun, safe day wherever you are, and on the off chance you are on the same tour with he who, tell Kevin to send me some pictures.
Much love,
Vivian Beauchamp
Friday, May 15, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
I think I’m in love with Rep. Alcee Hastings from Florida, based upon the following two minute clip of his speech about the hate crimes bill.
I would LOVE to have brunch with this dude. If you need to laugh till you cry, watch the first 2 minutes. God bless America is all I can say.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN1yl7OQHyY
EDIT to add this disclaimer:
Due to an outraged email from a family member, I wanted to make clear that Alcee Hastings is a Democrat. To the offended liberal contingent, Alcee is one of yours, people!
Plus, I know nothing about the man—being amazingly and intentionally uninformed—and am basing my awestruck reverence for him strictly upon the rhetorical flourish with which he reeled off a list of sexual fetishes.
Imagine what he could do with Shakespeare.
To all critics of both Alcee and myself I simply say: Toucherism!
Respectfully submitted,
Vivian Carter
I would LOVE to have brunch with this dude. If you need to laugh till you cry, watch the first 2 minutes. God bless America is all I can say.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN1yl7OQHyY
EDIT to add this disclaimer:
Due to an outraged email from a family member, I wanted to make clear that Alcee Hastings is a Democrat. To the offended liberal contingent, Alcee is one of yours, people!
Plus, I know nothing about the man—being amazingly and intentionally uninformed—and am basing my awestruck reverence for him strictly upon the rhetorical flourish with which he reeled off a list of sexual fetishes.
Imagine what he could do with Shakespeare.
To all critics of both Alcee and myself I simply say: Toucherism!
Respectfully submitted,
Vivian Carter
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The Giving Spirit
Visited a beyond the box new church yesterday. Pastor Real Deal gave a call to action at the end of worship to come exchange our shoes for a pair of spa sandals, the kind you wear while getting a pedicure. Our good shoes are to be given to the homeless.
High Maintenance Child at once went up and swapped out the shoes she was wearing for spa thongs. Problem was: HMC was wearing her sister’s shoes, and Diva Child wasn’t feeling the call from God to relinquish them.
It was awkward because Real Deal had already praised HMC for being the first one up to make the exchange, and HMC declared God had led her to do it.
I told Diva Child to get over it, because she has 14 pairs of shoes in her closet, but he who must be obeyed exchanged a volley of emails with Mrs. Real Deal, and a footwear swap-out is imminent. He who must be obeyed donated his shoes as well, and those monsters cost me $150 a pop.
Pastor Real Deal did stir my heart to action: I am donating a box of stuff to charity this morning. After much deep contemplation, here are the items this gal can live without:
Box of Crunch & Munch (birthday gift)
Coffee mug emblazoned with I Love LuLu (got no explanation)
Size 4 tank top (who am I kidding, right?)
Box of chocolate pasties (gift from hub in 1999, unopened)
Assorted thong underwear (thrift shoppers can have fetishes)
purple Crocs
gently used Yankee Candles
Please feel free to send any ideas to boost my karma. It's looking a little raggedy these days.
Love,
Viv
High Maintenance Child at once went up and swapped out the shoes she was wearing for spa thongs. Problem was: HMC was wearing her sister’s shoes, and Diva Child wasn’t feeling the call from God to relinquish them.
It was awkward because Real Deal had already praised HMC for being the first one up to make the exchange, and HMC declared God had led her to do it.
I told Diva Child to get over it, because she has 14 pairs of shoes in her closet, but he who must be obeyed exchanged a volley of emails with Mrs. Real Deal, and a footwear swap-out is imminent. He who must be obeyed donated his shoes as well, and those monsters cost me $150 a pop.
Pastor Real Deal did stir my heart to action: I am donating a box of stuff to charity this morning. After much deep contemplation, here are the items this gal can live without:
Box of Crunch & Munch (birthday gift)
Coffee mug emblazoned with I Love LuLu (got no explanation)
Size 4 tank top (who am I kidding, right?)
Box of chocolate pasties (gift from hub in 1999, unopened)
Assorted thong underwear (thrift shoppers can have fetishes)
purple Crocs
gently used Yankee Candles
Please feel free to send any ideas to boost my karma. It's looking a little raggedy these days.
Love,
Viv
Vacation: Survivor Edition
In hopes of supporting Vivian Carter's new sober lifestyle, we invited her along on our family's spring break trip to Mammoth Cave National Park near Bowling Green, Kentucky. Although L'il Viv prefers to experience nature through her car's windshield and laptop screensavers, she gamely agreed to accompany us to this dry county for a week's worth of exercise and fresh air.
Shout Out to the National Park Service: Mammoth Cave National Park includes nearly 58,000 acres of wilderness and hiking trails. The property's lodge includes a restaurant and cafe, and seems to be very green and eco-friendly. Very affordable also, since it's underwritten by tax dollars. This park is a testament to tax money well spent. If we voters could specify where our tax dollars go I would support the National Park Service.
And now back to relishing the misery of close friends.
We five bold souls took lovely cave tours, including the four and one half hour Grand Avenue Tour, which had us all hiking four miles, hundreds of feet underground. (That's a postive thing.)
The real karma-buster was our family's reaction to poor L'il Viv losing her hiking mojo after two hours, subsequently tottering and sputtering like a short-circuited Roomba throughout the last part of the tour. If the ranger guides had offered to bear her out on a stretcher, she would have sold her Beanie Baby collection to fund their tip.
In addition to being very steep and slippery with dripping water, some of the cave passages were extremely narrow. Warnings were given to the morbidly obese and chronically infirm to avoid this particular expedition.
That said, picture a weary and struggling (non-obese) Viv tripping backwards into a pair of nine-year-old twins and collapsing the back of our tour line like a strand of dominoes. I am hooting like a hyena remembering. This makes me a bad person, and I deserve to live the rest of my natural life without Velveeta cheese grits.
Not only did we hike underground, we also explored many miles of outdoor trails. Sadly the birdsong was drowned out by L'il Viv's huffing and puffing that the fresh air and brisk hikes were killing her.
Vivian Carter twittered that she is still searching online for a commemorative t-shirt that reads: I went to Kentucky and all I got was this lousy body bag.
Well, I'm off to jog around the neighborhood. Some of us want to maintain the good health habits we enjoyed on our vacation.
Have a great day!
Big Vivi
Shout Out to the National Park Service: Mammoth Cave National Park includes nearly 58,000 acres of wilderness and hiking trails. The property's lodge includes a restaurant and cafe, and seems to be very green and eco-friendly. Very affordable also, since it's underwritten by tax dollars. This park is a testament to tax money well spent. If we voters could specify where our tax dollars go I would support the National Park Service.
And now back to relishing the misery of close friends.
We five bold souls took lovely cave tours, including the four and one half hour Grand Avenue Tour, which had us all hiking four miles, hundreds of feet underground. (That's a postive thing.)
The real karma-buster was our family's reaction to poor L'il Viv losing her hiking mojo after two hours, subsequently tottering and sputtering like a short-circuited Roomba throughout the last part of the tour. If the ranger guides had offered to bear her out on a stretcher, she would have sold her Beanie Baby collection to fund their tip.
In addition to being very steep and slippery with dripping water, some of the cave passages were extremely narrow. Warnings were given to the morbidly obese and chronically infirm to avoid this particular expedition.
That said, picture a weary and struggling (non-obese) Viv tripping backwards into a pair of nine-year-old twins and collapsing the back of our tour line like a strand of dominoes. I am hooting like a hyena remembering. This makes me a bad person, and I deserve to live the rest of my natural life without Velveeta cheese grits.
Not only did we hike underground, we also explored many miles of outdoor trails. Sadly the birdsong was drowned out by L'il Viv's huffing and puffing that the fresh air and brisk hikes were killing her.
Vivian Carter twittered that she is still searching online for a commemorative t-shirt that reads: I went to Kentucky and all I got was this lousy body bag.
Well, I'm off to jog around the neighborhood. Some of us want to maintain the good health habits we enjoyed on our vacation.
Have a great day!
Big Vivi
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